A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
79.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.