A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
oh my god
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.