A family that plays together cheats.
You Might Also Like
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards