Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.