a fate I wish upon no one

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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”


The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.


People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.


i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work


Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.


When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.