@paprbckparadise

a fate I wish upon no one

You Might Also Like

@noog

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@noog

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@Bunnydurden

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

@OllyiConic

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

@_kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.