@paprbckparadise

a fate I wish upon no one

You Might Also Like

@BuckyIsotope

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

@AbbyHasIssues

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

@sara_ashlynn

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

@SomthinBoutSara

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@jsam1126

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?