a fate I wish upon no one

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In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.


Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.


My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”


if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots


Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*


*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails


Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”


A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.