a fate I wish upon no one

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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.


The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.


My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.


The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”


Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man


A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?