*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I cannot stop laughing at this
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails