A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

And also a fork.


it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”


I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??


How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?


Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.


My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.