A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Ha.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.