A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”