A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Natural selection at its finest
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.