A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
groan^2
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.