A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Based Erika
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes