[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”