A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.