A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Dear Lord..
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.