A flock of dads is called a grill.
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[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me: