A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You Might Also Like
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Sign of the day..
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.