A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You Might Also Like
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬