a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You Might Also Like
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.