@MrSpoonicorn what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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@MrSpoonicorn 
@bautanist It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
@mrtruthandsoul “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
@psinerd When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
@TheChalls Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
@NickBossRoss Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
@VerifiedDrunk 2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
@DartsBofficial Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
@SCbchbum Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
@iRowlf Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.