A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win


[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff


Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.


I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.


I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air