@Gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

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@CCRuns

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

@DanMentos

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

@dadmann_walking

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

@AnExocticBeach

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

@KatieDeal99

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air