@Gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

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@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@bautanist

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

@psinerd

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@NickBossRoss

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

@VerifiedDrunk

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.