A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs


It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”


When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.


Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.


Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.