A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.