Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet