A French press is when you hug naked
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I need a headline like this
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that