A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.