A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?