A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
You Might Also Like
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
A double negative is a big no-no.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
my dog when i have a friend over
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.