A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I can’t be the only one 😂