A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
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[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing