A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
You Might Also Like
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
This is I, Robot all over again
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.