A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.