*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’