A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.