A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”