A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The sacred texts.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
handsome & gretel
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.