a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.