A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.


Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.


*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.


If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store


I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best


Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”


80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”