A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Not messing around
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
beware of dog
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.