A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
Strangers have the best candy.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
This was a bad idea all around
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Going to church you guys need anything
