@spennyislennie

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

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@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@tastefactory

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

@3sunzzz

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@No_1BullshitGuy

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings