A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator


Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.



~me, drunk, at a wax museum


aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this


What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?


Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.


I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE


a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins


*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings