A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”