A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest