A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Lmbo
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.