a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy