A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.