A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”