A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Breaking news:
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine