A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me driving through Toronto
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”