A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.