A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Van Gone
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.