A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.