A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
this chia pet tastes awful
Huge, if true.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?