A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box