A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.