A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
There’s only one good girl here!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129