a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
😂😂
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Simple
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
opening twitter today