A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
You Might Also Like
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.